A year ago

Around this time in the morning, a year ago my whole world shattered with words I thought I would never hear. The words that my little baby's heart had quit beating. At that time I was so afraid that I would never be able to climb out of the darkness that I was immediately thrown into. I was hurt, scared and sad. I never knew losing my baby at just 10 weeks gestation would hurt so bad. There were days that the pain was immense and I felt like I was drowning it. I slowly began to heal and to climb out the darkness with help of my family and a wonderful lady that was going through the same pain I was. Slowly but surely I began to have a new "normal". My normal would never be what it was before, but I could deal with that. I would not let this ugly word miscarriage ruin me forever.

In the early days of my miscarriage I was not sure I would ever be willing to take the chance of trying to have another baby. I was so scared that this horrible thing would happen again. I knew I wanted another child, but was I willing to risk being in that kind of pain again? It was finally decided that we would try again. Full of fear but also trusting in God, we took that step to try to add to our family again. Two months later we got our positive pregnancy test. I was so excited and so scared all at the same time. I don't think a minute went by where I wasn't praying. Every appointment was nerve wracking, every scare throughout the pregnancy has been even more nerve wracking. But through all the complications my son has stayed with us. My son.....two words that have so much meaning. Two words that I thought I would never say. What a blessing he is to me even though he isn't here yet. He pokes me, he jabs me, he kicks me and he punches the heck out of my bladder. I can't believe that he will be here soon. He has brought so much healing to me in the short 30 weeks that I have known about him. The early weeks were very scary, the middle weeks had their scary times as well and even now we still have some scary times; but nonetheless he has brought healing. Healing and happiness to me and my family.

I still miss the baby that would have been a part of our family; the baby that would be 5 months old now. I still wish things would have been different, but I can't change what happened. I can only accept what has happened and move forward. I would say that in a year my life has made some drastic changes; changes that may not have happened if I had not lost my baby. Despite the pain I experienced, I am grateful for the 10 short weeks I had with my baby and for how losing he/she has shaped my life today. We never know why certain things happen and I still don't understand why I had to go through the loss that I went through. But I do know that through it all I have changed, I have grown, I have learned and I have healed.

I love you sweet baby. You will always be in my heart and in my thoughts.