Meh

That word right there completely explains my mood right now "meh" I have so much on my mind. Thoughts racing, racing, racing....... Feelings tumbling around inside that I can't put into words.

The main thing I can't get off my mind is the thought "I wish I had friends" or just a friend for that matter. I have "friends" that I know would be there if I needed them, that I text, but rarely see. Life is too busy. But is it really? Could or should I be better at making time for friends? Should I reach out more? I stay in my own little world all the time. Me, my hubby, my kids, and my schoolwork. I don't venture out unless it is to see my mom or go shopping (typically to Walmart).

For me having friends is too hard most of the time. I have put myself out there to have what I think are meaningful relationships only to get burnt in the end. I haven't put myself out there for a friendship in so long that I don't know if I could even let down my wall longer enough to have a meaningful friendship. And more importantly a friend that I can be myself around.

I have one friend like that, but life gets in the way. I miss her, miss our lunches, and our laughs. But when both of us are in school, have kids, and she works it is so hard to make plans. And every time we make plans something comes up, usually on my end.

I sit missing friends that use to be in my life, but we no longer talk. I miss the days when things weren't so busy. But I also love the life I have now. See......a big pile of feelings and emotions. Bunch of rambling that makes no sense.

Sigh.......I can't even put the rest of my feelings into words. Excitement that I'm a senior in college. What?! How did that happen? Dreading starting classes on Monday because I know how much it requires from me. Stressed out because I have a 4 yr old going on 14. Sheesh the drama. Frazzled because I have a 1 yr old who is getting all 4 molars at once and is super whiny, wants to nurse all day but doesn't want to sit still to do it ( niplash anyone?!) oh and let's not forget the lack of sleep. And then my emotions will switch back to complete joy watching them interact and watching Landon learn new skills. I feel like my mind and emotions have ADD.

With that I will quit rambling....maybe writing it all out will help my mind calm down so that I can actually sleep.

Until next time.....