"Mama hates me right now".....

.....those words were uttered by my daughter tonight; I am heart broken. Completely, utterly heartbroken.

Tonight was a challenging night. Kameron is constantly testing me, constantly telling me no, constantly not listening. I gave her and Landon a bath tonight, when it was time to get I pulled the plug. I got her towel and turned around to find that she had plugged the tub back up and she proceeded to tell she wasn't getting out. I unplugged the tub and told her to get out. She gets out and pouts, I turn to get Landon's towel, turn back around and he has pooped in the tub. No little bit of poo, I'm talking ginormous big poo which promptly swirls to the drain clogging the tub. I was very upset obliviously. I proceed to scoop poo out of the drain (gagging the whole time), holler for Freddie, scoop some more poo, rinse of Landon, and get him out the tub. Freddie brings me a diaper for Landon and once it is on he takes off to the living room. Meanwhile I am still cleaning the tub. Kameron comes back and starts up talking, talking, talking. "Why did he poop in the tub?!" "That is gross!" "I can't believe he pooped in the tub" 

I ask her to leave. She continues to talk. "Mama...I need a dress." "Mama can you dry my barbies hair?" "Mama I need a snack"

I lost it. My nerves were shot. I yelled, yeah I yelled (honestly it happens more than I like to admit). "KAMERON....GO TO THE LIVING ROOM AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" 

She takes off. This is where she tells Freddie that I hate her. He reassured her that I don't hate her, but that I was frustrated because Landon pooped in the tub. I didn't find out about her statement until after she had already fallen asleep. I will be doing some serious apologizing tomorrow (well now today in about 6-7 hours since it is 2am).

I never claim to be a perfect mama. I know I am far from it. But days like today make me realize how much I have to grow, how much I have to change, and make me so scared that I'm screwing this whole thing up. What if I fail? What if she grows up to hate me because she thinks I hate her? What if we never have a good relationship? How do I parent this sassy, back talking, opinionated, sensitive, I do it myself little girl?! I am so lost, and my heart hurts so much.