Due Date

Today I should either be holding a beautiful newborn or anticipating his/her arrival. I can't believe this day is already here; it arrived so quickly. I'm sure if I had been pregnant this whole time this day would have taken forever to get here.

Almost 7 months ago when I learned that the baby I was carrying was no longer alive it felt like my world was closing in around me. I suffered and drowned in my grief until I finally started to heal. I finally stopped crying all the time and my heart didn't hurt as much. I was able to heal through the joy I found in Kameron, through sharing my grief with others in my situation and through trusting God that He would get me through this journey. I still have moments where my loss overwhelms me. Days where I imagine what my life would be like right if my baby had lived. Days where I replay the day I heard the devastating news that there was no longer a heartbeat. But as time has gone on there are stretches of days where I no longer think of my loss and all I think about is the joy in my life.

In some ways I am thankful for what happened. When it first happened I would have never thought I could/would be thankful for such a horrible thing. But through my loss I have been able to meet great people, I feel like I have been able to help others in my situation and my loss helped me make the decision to change my major in school. My loss has changed me but mainly in good ways. I have grown from this experience, I am more compassionate and I have a closer relationship with God. Even good things can come from bad things and for that I am really thankful.

I finally feel like I am to a place where it doesn't hurt as much anymore. The pain is more of a dull ache instead of the sharp pain it was before. Even though the pain isn't as sharp, it doesn't mean that I will forget my baby. I will never forget him/her. I will always remember the baby that should have been my September baby.