can't believe how much my life has changed in 2 years. 2 years ago today I was mourning the loss of my baby, a year ago today I was awaiting the birth of my son, and today I am enjoying the morning with my beautiful son who will be a year old in 24 days. Love my life!!!
This was my status today on Facebook after I remembered what today's significance was. In all honesty I can't believe that I could actually forget that awful day. But in some ways I have. When I found out my baby no longer had a heartbeat I felt so broken. I truly thought there was no way I would be able to recover from that heartbreak. There were many days that I did not want to go on, but I had to. So each day I took it a minute at a time, and sometimes a second at a time. And you know what....I survived and I recovered. I am no longer heartbroken. That pain I felt during those first few months was so strong then, but now it is so distant. I can barely remember how bad it hurt. How is that possible? I knew that the pain would eventually go away, but I don't think I actually believed it. Now here I am, 2 years out from that day. I briefly thought about that baby today, what he or she would have been like, what my life would be like now had that baby survived. And while a part of me still mourns that child, I have so much to live for now. And I absolutely love my life. I wouldn't trade anything for the children that I have, not even the awful experience of that miscarriage. Because that miscarriage made me strong, and that miscarriage made a way for Landon. I know to some that may seem weird, but to me it makes sense. After my miscarriage my doctor's office paid a lot more attention to me and my body with Landon's pregnancy. Because of this extra care and attention, I truly think the miscarriage was a "good thing". If they had not been paying so much attention to me they may have missed something, that little something that almost caused my uterus to rupture that could have taken my life and would have most probably taken Landon's life. I really think my angel helped pave the way so that I could have my beautiful son. My son who brought me healing, my son who lights up my day, my son who makes me cry because my love is so strong for him, my son who put back together the pieces of my heart. And for that I will be forever grateful for the events that happened 2 years ago.
It's crazy how different the pain is when it is still fresh and raw, from how it is now, isn't it? I get that you don't regret your loss. I'm no longer angry about mine either, and have accepted them. I find myself thinking of them still to this day, but it has gotten so much easier. I think it's so crazy how much things can change in a years, or 2 years time. If only you could go back in time, and tell your sad & broken self what was to come. I can't believe Landon is almost a year old! I feel like Haven will be a year old before I know it.
ReplyDeletebeautiful. i can so relate to your words, rian. your love for kameron and landon shines through every one of your words and photos.
ReplyDeletethere is no doubt that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. you live a beautiful life and i admire you. have a wonderful weekend. <3<3<3
maria