This past week was parenting bliss, wanna know why? Kameron was with my parents for 5 days, and then with my sister for 3 days. 8 whole days of just parenting one child. It was amazing. Am I awful?! Am I evil that I relished in the absolute quietness of my house? No constant chatter. No constant I wants. No constant whining. And no constant crying.
After 8 days of no Kameron she returned to our house on Sunday, and it was very reluctantly. I was happy to have her home, I had missed her and I was excited to show her how I had rearranged her room while she was gone. She loved her room. Not long after she settled back in Landon started bothering her and the whining started. Then the tears started back. She didn't want to follow the rules. She told me that she didn't like me or our house. Even though I knew that the underlining problem was that she didn't want to follow the rules, those words still stung. Why doesn't she like me? I thought for sure I had until she was a preteen before those words came out of her mouth. What am I doing wrong?
I know that while she was away that she got loads of one on one attention, she longs for that. But once she got home she had to share the attention with Landon. She doesn't like to share. I try to make time for her, but it is never enough. I have never seen a child cry so much in my life. It frustrates me, it upsets me, and it breaks my heart. I want her to feel safe and secure in our house and I can't figure out the tears. Part of me thinks it is her dramatic nature, another part thinks that she is frustrated and that is the only way to get her frustration out, and then there are the times she tells me that she wants to cry because "I like to cry!!".
Sigh.
Somedays I wonder why God decided to bless me with this beautiful child. This beautiful, hard headed, outspoken, energetic, artistic, dramatic, funny little girl. I worry that am not all that she needs. I worry that I'm not good enough. I worry that with every day I am pushing her away. I worry that I enjoyed her not being here. I worry that I will break her beautiful, imaginative spirit.
I never knew being a mom would be so hard. I never knew that you would always be second guessing yourself, and beating yourself up. I never knew there could be so much joy and so much sorrow being a parent. I sure hope that I'm doing something right. I sure hope that God knew what he was doing when he gave me Kameron for a daughter. Lord, please don't let me screw this up!
Would it be possible for your parents/someone to keep Landon for a few days & Kameron could be your only child so the two of you could reconnect again?
ReplyDeleteOh I would love to; however, since Landon is still breastfeeding that wouldn't be possible. His max amount time that he can be away from me before he is inconsolable is 6-7 hours. But that amount of time would be nice for me and Kameron to have a girl's day out! I need to talk to my mama about that.
DeleteHope it all works out! Think Kameron might need to feel special doing a few fun things with her Mommy.
DeleteRian try not to feel to bad! Easier said than done I know, I remember being just like Kameron and not wanting to share the attention with my brother. It is one of those crappy cant wait until its over phases. Kameron loves you and Landon it just sounds like she is needing some special time. I second the motion of having Landon spend time with your parents so you can have girlie time with her, even making it a special thing that you do every so often would probably help her a lot and keep you guys connected.
ReplyDeleteGood luck <3
aww, rian, don't beat yourself up. you are a wonderful mama. i like the idea of some one on one time with kameron. she seems like such a sweet, funny and fun girly girl. maybe a mani/pedi with her super talented manicurist mama?! :)
ReplyDeleteyou're always in my thoughts and prayers and i wish you all the best, my friend! i hope you're having a relaxing night! and i hope kameron had an awesome first day! xoxox
maria