Dear Landon,
Happy Birthday my sweet boy!! I can not believe that a year has passed already. This past year has been amazing, challenging, and has surpassed any dreams I had of you. You are full of love and brighten every day. Your smile is so contagious. And just the sight of you makes my heart swell with happiness.
I can't believe that I was ever worried that I may not be able to love a little boy. I was so wrong! My love for you can be overwhelming sometimes and all I can do is smile through my tears as I gaze at you. You have brought so much joy to me by just being you. Your birth changed me and in a way I was reborn. I moved from darkness to light when you were born. And any day I find the darkness trying to creep in all I have to do is look at you to find my light.
You have been such a blessing to everyone in our family. I love to watch them love on you and see the joy you bring them. I love how you rush to the door when your daddy comes home from work and you can't wait for him to hold you. I love how love your Granddaddy. I will never forget the first time you gave Kameron a hug just because you wanted to. And I will never forget watching your Noni rock you to sleep or the first time you kissed your Aunt Katie. You are such a loving child. You love to give hugs and kisses and you love to snuggle.
This past year has been one of the greatest years of my life. I have loved watching you change from a sleepy newborn to a babbling infant to a chattering, walking toddler. I have loved watching the relationship between you and Kameron develop. You love her so much and she loves you.
Selfishly I would love to keep you small. I love the way you love me. I love the way you look at me with eyes full of love and trust. I love how you know I can make everything better just by nursing you. I love how you just come up and hug me when you are playing. I love your slobbery kisses. I love your little baby laugh. I will miss that so much as you grow up. But I know you must grow up. And I know that as you grow you will challenge me, your eyes will not always look at me with love, and there will be times you won't want to hug me; but that is okay. The beauty of being a mother is that I will always love you, my love for you is endless. And while I am sad to see you grow up so fast, I am excited about the future. I can't wait to see who you will become.
With love,
Mom
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
2 years
Today I knew there was something significant about this date, but I couldn't quite remember what it was. Then I remembered.
can't believe how much my life has changed in 2 years. 2 years ago today I was mourning the loss of my baby, a year ago today I was awaiting the birth of my son, and today I am enjoying the morning with my beautiful son who will be a year old in 24 days. Love my life!!!
This was my status today on Facebook after I remembered what today's significance was. In all honesty I can't believe that I could actually forget that awful day. But in some ways I have. When I found out my baby no longer had a heartbeat I felt so broken. I truly thought there was no way I would be able to recover from that heartbreak. There were many days that I did not want to go on, but I had to. So each day I took it a minute at a time, and sometimes a second at a time. And you know what....I survived and I recovered. I am no longer heartbroken. That pain I felt during those first few months was so strong then, but now it is so distant. I can barely remember how bad it hurt. How is that possible? I knew that the pain would eventually go away, but I don't think I actually believed it. Now here I am, 2 years out from that day. I briefly thought about that baby today, what he or she would have been like, what my life would be like now had that baby survived. And while a part of me still mourns that child, I have so much to live for now. And I absolutely love my life. I wouldn't trade anything for the children that I have, not even the awful experience of that miscarriage. Because that miscarriage made me strong, and that miscarriage made a way for Landon. I know to some that may seem weird, but to me it makes sense. After my miscarriage my doctor's office paid a lot more attention to me and my body with Landon's pregnancy. Because of this extra care and attention, I truly think the miscarriage was a "good thing". If they had not been paying so much attention to me they may have missed something, that little something that almost caused my uterus to rupture that could have taken my life and would have most probably taken Landon's life. I really think my angel helped pave the way so that I could have my beautiful son. My son who brought me healing, my son who lights up my day, my son who makes me cry because my love is so strong for him, my son who put back together the pieces of my heart. And for that I will be forever grateful for the events that happened 2 years ago.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
The truth
Ever since I became a mom I was always hesitant to speak the truth about certain things. The first thing I was hesitant about was my battle with PPD, but I finally took the step and talked about it. My next thing that I'm hesitant to talk about is the journey Landon and I have been on to get him on a schedule and to get him sleeping better. I'm hesitant to talk about it and be honest because I don't want to be judged. But here it is.....I actually did a version of CIO. *gasp* I know.....the horrors!!! But before you judge me, let me explain and give you some history.
With Kameon I attempted the CIO method but I couldn't do it. Hearing her cry was awful. So I dealt with getting up every 2 hours, sometimes took a nap when she did, and miracously she started sleeping through the night on her own at 17 months old. Yeah.....17 months old. Those were some long months. Yes I know losing sleep is part of being a parent, but it doesn't make it any easier.
When Landon was born my life as a mom changed. No longer could I just pick him up when he was crying like I did when Kameron was little. I now had two children that needed my attention. So there were times that Landon had to cry, times I couldn't soothe him. In the early days he slept good, so good that we had to wake him up to feed him, something we never had to do with Kameron! But then he started with his allergies, with his reflux, and his sleeping habits started regressing.
Fast forward to having a 10 month old that won't sleep. One who wakes up every 2 hours or sometimes every hour. One who was using me as a pacifier, and couldn't go to sleep unless I was nursing him. The result of having a baby not sleeping and a sleep deprived mama is a mama that I don't want to be. I was tired. Often times he wouldn't go to sleep until 11 or 12, then I would stay up doing school work because i wouldn't have time to do it during the day because he wanted me to constantly hold him. Often times it would be between 2-4 am before I would get to go to sleep, only to wake up every 1-2 hours after that, and then be up for the day around 8-8:30. To say I was exhausted is an understatement. Sadly, an exhausted mama made for a mean mama. I had to do something.
4 days ago I was trying to get both kids in bed, we had had a bad day where Landon was really fussy and had occupied most of my time. I thought I had him to sleep and laid him down only to have him sit up and start crying. Kameron was waiting on me to read her a book so she could go to bed, but I can't do that while holding a screaming child. So, I made the decision that he would have to cry. I knew he was safe, fed, warm, and had a clean diaper. He didn't really "need" anything, but Kameron needed me. She needed some quality mama time. So I read to her and didn't rush it so that I could get Landon. I took my time and tried to enjoy our time together. When I finished reading to her he was still crying. Despite my sadness at him crying, I felt like this was the right decision for both of us. And you know what, he went to sleep, and he slept 7 hours straight. The next day he was much happier. He laughed and played, he only came to me to nurse when he was hungry instead of using me as a pacifier. The second night he only cried a little before he went to sleep and the slept 9 hours straight. Yesterday he didn't even cry 2 mins before he went to sleep and slept 7 hours. Tonight he once again put himself to sleep without having to use me as a pacifier.
I know CIO is controversial nowadays with many people, but it worked for me. And the result of CIO has not been a sad, withdrawn baby; but a happy baby who can play by himself again. And he has a much happier mama who can take joy in being a mother again. The decision I made was hard, but it is a decision that I am proud of and happy that I made. My son's happiness is my ultimate goal as a mom, and if CIO had proven to make him unhappy than I wouldn't have continued with it. But it made him much happier and I am so thankful for that.
With Kameon I attempted the CIO method but I couldn't do it. Hearing her cry was awful. So I dealt with getting up every 2 hours, sometimes took a nap when she did, and miracously she started sleeping through the night on her own at 17 months old. Yeah.....17 months old. Those were some long months. Yes I know losing sleep is part of being a parent, but it doesn't make it any easier.
When Landon was born my life as a mom changed. No longer could I just pick him up when he was crying like I did when Kameron was little. I now had two children that needed my attention. So there were times that Landon had to cry, times I couldn't soothe him. In the early days he slept good, so good that we had to wake him up to feed him, something we never had to do with Kameron! But then he started with his allergies, with his reflux, and his sleeping habits started regressing.
Fast forward to having a 10 month old that won't sleep. One who wakes up every 2 hours or sometimes every hour. One who was using me as a pacifier, and couldn't go to sleep unless I was nursing him. The result of having a baby not sleeping and a sleep deprived mama is a mama that I don't want to be. I was tired. Often times he wouldn't go to sleep until 11 or 12, then I would stay up doing school work because i wouldn't have time to do it during the day because he wanted me to constantly hold him. Often times it would be between 2-4 am before I would get to go to sleep, only to wake up every 1-2 hours after that, and then be up for the day around 8-8:30. To say I was exhausted is an understatement. Sadly, an exhausted mama made for a mean mama. I had to do something.
4 days ago I was trying to get both kids in bed, we had had a bad day where Landon was really fussy and had occupied most of my time. I thought I had him to sleep and laid him down only to have him sit up and start crying. Kameron was waiting on me to read her a book so she could go to bed, but I can't do that while holding a screaming child. So, I made the decision that he would have to cry. I knew he was safe, fed, warm, and had a clean diaper. He didn't really "need" anything, but Kameron needed me. She needed some quality mama time. So I read to her and didn't rush it so that I could get Landon. I took my time and tried to enjoy our time together. When I finished reading to her he was still crying. Despite my sadness at him crying, I felt like this was the right decision for both of us. And you know what, he went to sleep, and he slept 7 hours straight. The next day he was much happier. He laughed and played, he only came to me to nurse when he was hungry instead of using me as a pacifier. The second night he only cried a little before he went to sleep and the slept 9 hours straight. Yesterday he didn't even cry 2 mins before he went to sleep and slept 7 hours. Tonight he once again put himself to sleep without having to use me as a pacifier.
I know CIO is controversial nowadays with many people, but it worked for me. And the result of CIO has not been a sad, withdrawn baby; but a happy baby who can play by himself again. And he has a much happier mama who can take joy in being a mother again. The decision I made was hard, but it is a decision that I am proud of and happy that I made. My son's happiness is my ultimate goal as a mom, and if CIO had proven to make him unhappy than I wouldn't have continued with it. But it made him much happier and I am so thankful for that.
Friday, March 1, 2013
11 months old.
I know I say it every month, but I just can not believe how incredibly fast these months are going by. It is definitely bittersweet especially since I know that he is my last baby. It is so fun to see him learning knew stuff every day and to see his personality growing, but it also makes me so sad that before I know it he will be even bigger than he is now.
What is he up to:
He is still weighing around the same, 22 pounds.
He is walking everywhere. Here is a video if the link will work (and he is screaming/whining in the video, but it is because Kameorn had a cup and he didn't. lol). Even though he is walking a lot more, his preferred method is still crawling because it is faster. Funny thing about when he is walking is that usually he gets tickled that he is doing it, starts laughing, and falls down. So cute!
Speaking of cups....he loves his sippy cups now.
Food.....the boy absolutely loves food!!! I have no idea how he eats so much!
Sleep.....glorious sleep!!! For the past 3 nights he has done so much better sleeping. The first night he went a 7 hour stretch and the past two nights it has been a 9 hour stretch. It is so nice!! And I really hope that it continues.
He still isn't really talking yet. He makes a LOT of noise. He is definitely a chatterbox, but he doesn't really say any words besides "mama" "dada" "baba" (bye bye).
Waves (well actually waves at himself when we are going bye bye), blows kisses, gives kisses (one of my favorite things!).
And he is still nursing like a champ!!!
Now for the fun part. Pictures!!!
What is he up to:
He is still weighing around the same, 22 pounds.
He is walking everywhere. Here is a video if the link will work (and he is screaming/whining in the video, but it is because Kameorn had a cup and he didn't. lol). Even though he is walking a lot more, his preferred method is still crawling because it is faster. Funny thing about when he is walking is that usually he gets tickled that he is doing it, starts laughing, and falls down. So cute!
Speaking of cups....he loves his sippy cups now.
Food.....the boy absolutely loves food!!! I have no idea how he eats so much!
Sleep.....glorious sleep!!! For the past 3 nights he has done so much better sleeping. The first night he went a 7 hour stretch and the past two nights it has been a 9 hour stretch. It is so nice!! And I really hope that it continues.
He still isn't really talking yet. He makes a LOT of noise. He is definitely a chatterbox, but he doesn't really say any words besides "mama" "dada" "baba" (bye bye).
Waves (well actually waves at himself when we are going bye bye), blows kisses, gives kisses (one of my favorite things!).
And he is still nursing like a champ!!!
Now for the fun part. Pictures!!!
These next few pictures are so funny!!! And I love how they show his personality!
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| laughing at me. hahahaha |
And then Kameron asked me to take her picture and I happily obliged!
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| so big now!! Until next time........ |
Friday, February 22, 2013
Steps
For weeks now I have been calling Landon "one step wonder" in my head because he would let go, and when you would try to coax him to come to you he would smile, take one step, and sit on his butt. Such a stinker! lol.
Yesterday as I was cooking supper he was hanging on my legs and screaming/crying. He was hungry and he wanted to eat RIGHT NOW and not wait until I was done. So I decided, you know what, I am going to see if he will walk to me since he wants me so bad (mean mama!). I put him a couple of steps away from me, stood him up and I sat on the floor. And what do you know, he took three steps to get to me!!!! After that moment when he realized that he could do it, he kept doing it. He got up to 5 steps last night and all on his own, no coaxing from us.
This morning he kept walking back and forth from the sofa to the coffee table without holding on. 6 days from being 11 months old and he is starting to walk! *tear* I am betting that he will be full out walking soon, but watch him prove me wrong! hahaha!! It would be just like him to do that.
I will be back next week with his 11 month stats and pictures! :-) Have a great weekend everyone!!
Yesterday as I was cooking supper he was hanging on my legs and screaming/crying. He was hungry and he wanted to eat RIGHT NOW and not wait until I was done. So I decided, you know what, I am going to see if he will walk to me since he wants me so bad (mean mama!). I put him a couple of steps away from me, stood him up and I sat on the floor. And what do you know, he took three steps to get to me!!!! After that moment when he realized that he could do it, he kept doing it. He got up to 5 steps last night and all on his own, no coaxing from us.
This morning he kept walking back and forth from the sofa to the coffee table without holding on. 6 days from being 11 months old and he is starting to walk! *tear* I am betting that he will be full out walking soon, but watch him prove me wrong! hahaha!! It would be just like him to do that.
I will be back next week with his 11 month stats and pictures! :-) Have a great weekend everyone!!
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
10 months ~ pictures
Finally got some pictures taken of my handsome boy!!! Enjoy!
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| so dern cute!!!! In my opinion. :-) |
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| contemplating life |
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| hmmmm.....can i chew on this leaf I see. |
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| and just because Valentine's Day is next week I had to do this! |
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| My # 1 chunk.....I mean hunk!!! :-) |
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| and he was done with pictures and wanted to play. |
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Blessed boobies
Blessed boobies....kind of a weird title isn't it? Well, today I was thinking about all the things I have had to go through to have my children. And at times I am still sad that I never got my "ideal" birth. I went from not being able to get pregnant, to needing medicine to get pregnant, to having to have a c-section just to deliver my babies. Apparently my body was not made to have children (in my mind). So when it came to breastfeeding I was determined to make it work, and it came pretty easy. I was and still am shocked. Combined I have breastfed for 28 months. Some women are not able to breastfeed whether it is from lack of proper instruction, low milk supply, or various other reasons. I, however, have been able to; and have never had to worry about a low milk supply, whether my children were getting enough to eat, and have been very successful with it. For that I am ever so thankful. So in the big picture, I may not have been able to have a baby like a normal person, but I have blessed boobies and am I thankful for them. I have had so many special moments with both of my children because of breastfeeding. Moments that my husband has not been able to share, moments that are all to me. Sure breastfeeding is hard. Sure getting mastitis is no fun. Sure there are nights that I wish I wasn't the "milk lady" because I could use a break. But that would mean giving up those moments when Landon hums as he eats, where he cradles my breast and rubs my shirt, where he stares into my eyes and looks at me with love, when he smiles at me with a mouth full of booby. Those moments are so special to me, they are moments that I will remember forever. They are moments that I would never give up for more sleep.
So when I think about the fact that I missed out on my "ideal" delivery, I just remind myself of how lucky and blessed I am that I have been able to breastfeed my children with little to no difficultly. Some women are not as lucky or blessed as I am in the booby department. ;-)
So when I think about the fact that I missed out on my "ideal" delivery, I just remind myself of how lucky and blessed I am that I have been able to breastfeed my children with little to no difficultly. Some women are not as lucky or blessed as I am in the booby department. ;-)
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