3 months, prayers needed

.....it has been almost 3 months since I last posted. So much has happened in that time. Some I can talk about, some I can't. Some days were really hard, almost impossible to survive. And other days were a breeze. My children have grown and changed so much in these past months. Landon is so big now weighing in at 25 lbs and 33 inches tall. He still isn't talking too much, but makes up for it in mischief. Kameron started preschool and loves it!!! She is now working on writing her name and can recognize numbers now. She is really thriving in school. One day I will sit down and write more stuff about the milestones that both of the kids have achieved lately. Like school, dance, big boy bed/room, and our second family vacation.

I'm asking for prayers though (the purpose of this post), Landon is to have a sleep study done on November 12th. For months now I have noticed how he will stop breathing and cough in his sleep. I brought this up to his pediatrician, and we tried a couple of things to see if it would help. We put him back on reflux meds, they didn't help. We added in an inhaler 4 times a day, it didn't help. On the way home from our vacation we left at night so the kids would sleep on the way home. Landon quickly fell asleep and I was able to watch him sleep for 2 1/2 hours. During those hours he stopped breathing 4-5 times, each time he would gape open his mouth, stick his tongue out all the way, and gasp for breath like a fish out of water. To say I'm worried is a under statement. I know something is possibly wrong with him, but we don't know what yet. I'm hoping the sleep study gives us answers. I'm sure the sleep study will be hell. Landon doesn't like doctors/nurses/anyone in scrubs messing with him. I'm sure I will have to hold him down while they attach all the wires, electrodes, and whatever else they need. But if I have to do it to get answers then I will, I just hope we get some answers.

I hope to be back soon with pictures and/or updates.

Please don't let me screw this up....

I just want to give up, just throw my hands up in the air, and give up. I want to be a good mom, and I feel like I try really hard; yet, everyday I go to bed feeling like a failure. 

This past week was parenting bliss, wanna know why? Kameron was with my parents for 5 days, and then with my sister for 3 days. 8 whole days of just parenting one child. It was amazing. Am I awful?! Am I evil that I relished in the absolute quietness of my house? No constant chatter. No constant I wants. No constant whining. And no constant crying.

After 8 days of no Kameron she returned to our house on Sunday, and it was very reluctantly. I was happy to have her home, I had missed her and I was excited to show her how I had rearranged her room while she was gone. She loved her room. Not long after she settled back in Landon started bothering her and the whining started. Then the tears started back. She didn't want to follow the rules. She told me that she didn't like me or our house. Even though I knew that the underlining problem was that she didn't want to follow the rules, those words still stung. Why doesn't she like me? I thought for sure I had until she was a preteen before those words came out of her mouth. What am I doing wrong?

I know that while she was away that she got loads of one on one attention, she longs for that. But once she got home she had to share the attention with Landon. She doesn't like to share. I try to make time for her, but it is never enough. I have never seen a child cry so much in my life. It frustrates me, it upsets me, and it breaks my heart. I want her to feel safe and secure in our house and I can't figure out the tears. Part of me thinks it is her dramatic nature, another part thinks that she is frustrated and that is the only way to get her frustration out, and then there are the times she tells me that she wants to cry because "I like to cry!!". 

Sigh.

Somedays I wonder why God decided to bless me with this beautiful child. This beautiful, hard headed, outspoken, energetic, artistic, dramatic, funny little girl. I worry that am not all that she needs. I worry that I'm not good enough. I worry that with every day I am pushing her away. I worry that I enjoyed her not being here. I worry that I will break her beautiful, imaginative spirit. 

I never knew being a mom would be so hard. I never knew that you would always be second guessing yourself, and beating yourself up. I never knew there could be so much joy and so much sorrow being a parent. I sure hope that I'm doing something right. I sure hope that God knew what he was doing when he gave me Kameron for a daughter. Lord, please don't let me screw this up!

Desire

Sometimes in life you will have a desire for something and that desire is so strong that it is all you can think about. Before I got pregnant, that desire was to be pregnant. Then I got pregnant.

Freddie and I both wanted more children, but knew that we would be taking a risk with my life and a future baby's life. The odds of having a uterine rupture after a c-section is 1%, just 1%, but I was that 1%. I wasthisclose to losing my baby and possibly my life. We both thought it was more important for me to be here for our current children than to risk having more children. After 3 pregnancies and 2 children, we made the decision to not have any more children and made that decision permanent.

This was a completely rational decision and did/still does make sense. But being rational doesn't ease my heart. My heart desires for more children. When I see people announcing that they are pregnant, I do a deep sigh wishing it was me. When I see pictures of friends surrounded by 3,4,5 children; my heart hurts and I wish it was me.

My life is crazy right now, completely crazy; and I couldn't even fathom having another child but that doesn't stop the desire for it. And there are days that I am so completely overwhelmed with the two children that I do have, that there is no way possible that I could have more, but then I thought that when it was just Kameron.

I always imagined I would have 4 children just like my grandmother. But I never imagined that I would be diagnosed with PCOS at 17, endometriosis at 21, and have the struggles I did to get pregnant. Seeing negative after negative test for 2 years was so hard, being on Clomid just to get pregnant was so hard and it took 5 long months of that evil medicine before Kameron was finally conceived.

My body does not like getting pregnant, being pregnant, or having babies. That is just the facts. If not for modern medicine I wouldn't be a mother. I would have never gotten pregnant, I would have been laid up in the bed for 6 months dying from morning sickness, and I would have died in labor.

But you know what my body does love, it loves being a mother. Once that baby comes out, I am good to go. My children have been exclusively breastfed minus one bottle for Kameron in the hospital when I was having a blood patch due to a spinal headache, and 30 hours that Landon was on formula so that I could get soy out of my diet. That is it. So out of the 24 combined months of breastfeeding, my children have only had a total of maybe 8 bottles that was not breastmilk. That is something that I am so proud of, and so thankful for. If I had to give up an ideal pregnancy and my dream birth in order to breastfeed, then I will take it.

And while my heart desires for more children, I know they are not in my future. But you know what is in my future? My beautiful children, Kameron and Landon. I can't let the sadness of not having more children effect the children I do have. These children are my life. I would be so lost without them. And with every new day that I have with them I am so thankful that they are mine and in awe that I have two children. Two beautiful, healthy children. Two children that I cried and prayed for before they were even conceived. Two children that I cried and thanked God for as they were pulled from my womb. Two children that have completely stolen my heart and made me a new person. And in my book, I can't be sad with that.

"Mama hates me right now".....

.....those words were uttered by my daughter tonight; I am heart broken. Completely, utterly heartbroken.

Tonight was a challenging night. Kameron is constantly testing me, constantly telling me no, constantly not listening. I gave her and Landon a bath tonight, when it was time to get I pulled the plug. I got her towel and turned around to find that she had plugged the tub back up and she proceeded to tell she wasn't getting out. I unplugged the tub and told her to get out. She gets out and pouts, I turn to get Landon's towel, turn back around and he has pooped in the tub. No little bit of poo, I'm talking ginormous big poo which promptly swirls to the drain clogging the tub. I was very upset obliviously. I proceed to scoop poo out of the drain (gagging the whole time), holler for Freddie, scoop some more poo, rinse of Landon, and get him out the tub. Freddie brings me a diaper for Landon and once it is on he takes off to the living room. Meanwhile I am still cleaning the tub. Kameron comes back and starts up talking, talking, talking. "Why did he poop in the tub?!" "That is gross!" "I can't believe he pooped in the tub" 

I ask her to leave. She continues to talk. "Mama...I need a dress." "Mama can you dry my barbies hair?" "Mama I need a snack"

I lost it. My nerves were shot. I yelled, yeah I yelled (honestly it happens more than I like to admit). "KAMERON....GO TO THE LIVING ROOM AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" 

She takes off. This is where she tells Freddie that I hate her. He reassured her that I don't hate her, but that I was frustrated because Landon pooped in the tub. I didn't find out about her statement until after she had already fallen asleep. I will be doing some serious apologizing tomorrow (well now today in about 6-7 hours since it is 2am).

I never claim to be a perfect mama. I know I am far from it. But days like today make me realize how much I have to grow, how much I have to change, and make me so scared that I'm screwing this whole thing up. What if I fail? What if she grows up to hate me because she thinks I hate her? What if we never have a good relationship? How do I parent this sassy, back talking, opinionated, sensitive, I do it myself little girl?! I am so lost, and my heart hurts so much.

sweet morning

Early in the morning, as the sun slowly begins to rise and the darkness of the night starts to fade, I hear your cries. They waken me from my slumber and I stumble out of bed. Down the hall I shuffle my feet, my eyes still heavy with sleep. As I reach your bed, your cry a little more and reach for me. I lean over and your arms encircle my neck. You hold on tight and lay your head on my shoulder and slowly rub the back of my arm as I rub your back.

I shuffle down the hallway again to my bed. You know what comes next as you begin to try to pull my shirt up in your anticipation of nursing. As you latch on you sigh, such a sweet little sigh as you drift off back to sleep. As you doze and nurse, you rub my shirt, my face, your hair. Despite my tiredness I can't help but watch you. I take in your beautiful lashes. I take in your sweet face. I take in your tender touches and tugs at my breast. Your smell is so sweet. A smell I know I will miss as you grow older.

I can tell when you begin to fall into a deep sleep; you stop caressing me and your eyes flutter. You sigh a big, deep sigh and throw your arm over your eyes. I chuckle at your dramatics and snuggle you in closer. As your breath tickles my cheek, and your body warms mine; we drift off together. A mother and son, as close as can be, enjoying the most beautiful morning side by side.

My life

look at my life....

it is perfect. There may be times that I feel like it is not perfect, and there are times that my children exasperate me. But every day I would rather have the struggles of being a mom than not being a mom. These children are my life, my heart. I would be so lost without either of them. They complete me. They make me who I am. I am their mother, and that is the greatest thing that I could ever be. Please Lord help me to remember how very special these children are even during the hard moments. They are such a beautiful blessing to me. I love them more than any words could ever say. They are my world.

My Fourth Mother's Day~The Power of being a Parent

Today (well yesterday once this is posted) I celebrated my fourth Mother's Day. It was a not so great day, but that is how some things go being a mother. I was sleep deprived (running on 4 hours of broken up sleep), the kids were grumpy, had gotten up early, and poor Landon was miserable with getting 4 molars. I finally made it to church after many, many months of not being able to go. Landon wouldn't go in the nursery, which I figured he wouldn't. So he stayed with me and my parents in the sanctuary, for the most part he did just fine. For a bit, Mom took him out into the foyer so I was allowed to just focus on the sermon. Well......I have to admit.....I fell asleep in church! Oh my gosh y'all!! Here I am almost 30 and fell asleep in church. Apparently being so tired and then sitting still was not a good combination at all. What the sermon had to say was great, but my tiredness overtook me. :-/

After church my sister, our kids, and our mom went out to lunch. It was wonderful. The food was delicious and Landon ate everything! The boy had mushrooms (yuck!), olives (double yuck!), feta cheese (YUM), chicken, cucumbers, and..........tofu!! He ate tofu like he had eaten it his entire life! lol.

After lunch we returned to my parents house so that mom could open up her presents and we could spend more time together. After presents, the kids played outside, and all was merry until it was time to go. Kameron threw a fit. At that moment I had a choice of being the bigger person and not letting her mood affect me. Did I choose the high road? Nah....that's not how I roll apparently. I let her bad mood affect my mood, and from there my day unraveled.

After we finally got home I continued to be in a foul mood. Kameron wasn't much better, I could barely keep my eyes open, Landon was constantly whining and pulling on my legs. I wanted to escape them, but I couldn't; not even to go to the bathroom! Believe me, I tried! They just followed me bad attitudes, whining and all.

This is where the mom I want to be and the mom I don't want to be collide. I try so hard to be calm and patient (this is not my nature). I try to understand that they are 1 and 4 and have no idea that they are driving me bonkers (or do they?!). I too often lose my cool and when I lose my cool, everything changes, including my children.

This is where the power of being a parent comes into play. As a parent, you have control. Yes, I know sometimes it seems your children have control, especially in the needy infant stage. But you have the ultimate control of your child. How you approach them, how you love them, how you treat them, how you and your attitude is will control your child. I can choose to be grumpy, and what do you think will happen? My children will mirror my attitude and be grumpy. I can choose to be loving, talk in a kind manner, and play with them, and what do you think will happen? My children will in turn be kind, loving, and playful.

So as a parent, I have to be careful of how I use my power with my children. Do I want them to grow up to be angry, depressed, defiant people? No, I don't. I want them to grow up to be loving, kind, patient, open, and strong. So in order for them to grow up that way I have to instill it in them daily. But do I always succeed at this? No, I do not. I often times fall short, but that is okay. That is part of being a human and a mom. You make mistakes, we all do. But how you react to those mistakes is what defines you.

Today I could have stayed in my downtrodden, depressed state after my day unraveled. And I have to admit that I stayed there for a good 3-4 hours as I felt the darkness of my state of mind pulling me in. But I eventually said, screw this, I am taking control. So, instead of using my power to harm my children, I used it to love my children. I played ball with Kameron and laughed hysterically with her as she pelted me in the head, and then ran to hide from my incoming arsenal of squishy footballs. I turned on Angelina Ballerina and laughed at Landon dancing to the theme song, and sand along with Kameron. I then used my utmost power as a mom and put them to bed! hahaha.

Everyday as a parent wont' be perfect, but every imperfect moment you experience you can use to learn from. I have come so far from the parent I was just a month ago, but I know that I can always improve. With each day that passes, I come closer to being the type of mom I want to be. And yes I will have setbacks like I did today, but those setbacks help me to learn more about me and my children.