Catch up..........a year of pictures

I am going to try this blogging thing again, but first let me catch up with what all happened over the last year...........

We went on our second family vacation....it went about as good as our first one. Family vacations are on hold for a couple of years! ha!

We went to the zoo.

We had family pictures taken.

We celebrated Christmas

Landon saw his first snow.

And then it snowed again.

Landon decided falling on the fireplace would be fun. :-/ thankfully he was okay, but sported a nasty bruise and black eyes for a while. 

We celebrated Kameron turning 5 and Landon turning 2 with a Beach Luau Birthday Party...I took pictures all day only to realize later that my memory card wasn't in the camera. I cried.

Kameron had her first ballet recital.

I graduated college! oh and with honors. :-)

Meet my graduation present. A standard poodle named Daisy!

Kameron graduated preschool

I became a minivan mom.

We celebrated summer with lots of sprinkler time.

I got accepted into grad school.

Kameron started kindergarten. 

Then she and Landon promptly got sick.

Landon got a haircut courtesy of me!

And now random pictures from the year......

my sweet boy.

bathrobes are awesome!

my beautiful girl.

Even though they argue, they still love each other immensely.

My view while I am driving. I am so blessed!

 And now we are caught up! I hope I can get back in the swing of things and get back to my love of blogging. More on my absence later.......xoxoxo

Forever......

It has been forever since I last posted, almost a year in fact. This past year has been so crazy. The kids have changed so much and so much has happened. I've been lost to myself for a bit and stopped taking time to even consider blogging. I want to get back on the horse so to speak. I hope to do a post tomorrow on what happened this past year and also to revamp the blog with new pictures. Much love, everyone!

3 months, prayers needed

.....it has been almost 3 months since I last posted. So much has happened in that time. Some I can talk about, some I can't. Some days were really hard, almost impossible to survive. And other days were a breeze. My children have grown and changed so much in these past months. Landon is so big now weighing in at 25 lbs and 33 inches tall. He still isn't talking too much, but makes up for it in mischief. Kameron started preschool and loves it!!! She is now working on writing her name and can recognize numbers now. She is really thriving in school. One day I will sit down and write more stuff about the milestones that both of the kids have achieved lately. Like school, dance, big boy bed/room, and our second family vacation.

I'm asking for prayers though (the purpose of this post), Landon is to have a sleep study done on November 12th. For months now I have noticed how he will stop breathing and cough in his sleep. I brought this up to his pediatrician, and we tried a couple of things to see if it would help. We put him back on reflux meds, they didn't help. We added in an inhaler 4 times a day, it didn't help. On the way home from our vacation we left at night so the kids would sleep on the way home. Landon quickly fell asleep and I was able to watch him sleep for 2 1/2 hours. During those hours he stopped breathing 4-5 times, each time he would gape open his mouth, stick his tongue out all the way, and gasp for breath like a fish out of water. To say I'm worried is a under statement. I know something is possibly wrong with him, but we don't know what yet. I'm hoping the sleep study gives us answers. I'm sure the sleep study will be hell. Landon doesn't like doctors/nurses/anyone in scrubs messing with him. I'm sure I will have to hold him down while they attach all the wires, electrodes, and whatever else they need. But if I have to do it to get answers then I will, I just hope we get some answers.

I hope to be back soon with pictures and/or updates.

Please don't let me screw this up....

I just want to give up, just throw my hands up in the air, and give up. I want to be a good mom, and I feel like I try really hard; yet, everyday I go to bed feeling like a failure. 

This past week was parenting bliss, wanna know why? Kameron was with my parents for 5 days, and then with my sister for 3 days. 8 whole days of just parenting one child. It was amazing. Am I awful?! Am I evil that I relished in the absolute quietness of my house? No constant chatter. No constant I wants. No constant whining. And no constant crying.

After 8 days of no Kameron she returned to our house on Sunday, and it was very reluctantly. I was happy to have her home, I had missed her and I was excited to show her how I had rearranged her room while she was gone. She loved her room. Not long after she settled back in Landon started bothering her and the whining started. Then the tears started back. She didn't want to follow the rules. She told me that she didn't like me or our house. Even though I knew that the underlining problem was that she didn't want to follow the rules, those words still stung. Why doesn't she like me? I thought for sure I had until she was a preteen before those words came out of her mouth. What am I doing wrong?

I know that while she was away that she got loads of one on one attention, she longs for that. But once she got home she had to share the attention with Landon. She doesn't like to share. I try to make time for her, but it is never enough. I have never seen a child cry so much in my life. It frustrates me, it upsets me, and it breaks my heart. I want her to feel safe and secure in our house and I can't figure out the tears. Part of me thinks it is her dramatic nature, another part thinks that she is frustrated and that is the only way to get her frustration out, and then there are the times she tells me that she wants to cry because "I like to cry!!". 

Sigh.

Somedays I wonder why God decided to bless me with this beautiful child. This beautiful, hard headed, outspoken, energetic, artistic, dramatic, funny little girl. I worry that am not all that she needs. I worry that I'm not good enough. I worry that with every day I am pushing her away. I worry that I enjoyed her not being here. I worry that I will break her beautiful, imaginative spirit. 

I never knew being a mom would be so hard. I never knew that you would always be second guessing yourself, and beating yourself up. I never knew there could be so much joy and so much sorrow being a parent. I sure hope that I'm doing something right. I sure hope that God knew what he was doing when he gave me Kameron for a daughter. Lord, please don't let me screw this up!

Desire

Sometimes in life you will have a desire for something and that desire is so strong that it is all you can think about. Before I got pregnant, that desire was to be pregnant. Then I got pregnant.

Freddie and I both wanted more children, but knew that we would be taking a risk with my life and a future baby's life. The odds of having a uterine rupture after a c-section is 1%, just 1%, but I was that 1%. I wasthisclose to losing my baby and possibly my life. We both thought it was more important for me to be here for our current children than to risk having more children. After 3 pregnancies and 2 children, we made the decision to not have any more children and made that decision permanent.

This was a completely rational decision and did/still does make sense. But being rational doesn't ease my heart. My heart desires for more children. When I see people announcing that they are pregnant, I do a deep sigh wishing it was me. When I see pictures of friends surrounded by 3,4,5 children; my heart hurts and I wish it was me.

My life is crazy right now, completely crazy; and I couldn't even fathom having another child but that doesn't stop the desire for it. And there are days that I am so completely overwhelmed with the two children that I do have, that there is no way possible that I could have more, but then I thought that when it was just Kameron.

I always imagined I would have 4 children just like my grandmother. But I never imagined that I would be diagnosed with PCOS at 17, endometriosis at 21, and have the struggles I did to get pregnant. Seeing negative after negative test for 2 years was so hard, being on Clomid just to get pregnant was so hard and it took 5 long months of that evil medicine before Kameron was finally conceived.

My body does not like getting pregnant, being pregnant, or having babies. That is just the facts. If not for modern medicine I wouldn't be a mother. I would have never gotten pregnant, I would have been laid up in the bed for 6 months dying from morning sickness, and I would have died in labor.

But you know what my body does love, it loves being a mother. Once that baby comes out, I am good to go. My children have been exclusively breastfed minus one bottle for Kameron in the hospital when I was having a blood patch due to a spinal headache, and 30 hours that Landon was on formula so that I could get soy out of my diet. That is it. So out of the 24 combined months of breastfeeding, my children have only had a total of maybe 8 bottles that was not breastmilk. That is something that I am so proud of, and so thankful for. If I had to give up an ideal pregnancy and my dream birth in order to breastfeed, then I will take it.

And while my heart desires for more children, I know they are not in my future. But you know what is in my future? My beautiful children, Kameron and Landon. I can't let the sadness of not having more children effect the children I do have. These children are my life. I would be so lost without them. And with every new day that I have with them I am so thankful that they are mine and in awe that I have two children. Two beautiful, healthy children. Two children that I cried and prayed for before they were even conceived. Two children that I cried and thanked God for as they were pulled from my womb. Two children that have completely stolen my heart and made me a new person. And in my book, I can't be sad with that.

"Mama hates me right now".....

.....those words were uttered by my daughter tonight; I am heart broken. Completely, utterly heartbroken.

Tonight was a challenging night. Kameron is constantly testing me, constantly telling me no, constantly not listening. I gave her and Landon a bath tonight, when it was time to get I pulled the plug. I got her towel and turned around to find that she had plugged the tub back up and she proceeded to tell she wasn't getting out. I unplugged the tub and told her to get out. She gets out and pouts, I turn to get Landon's towel, turn back around and he has pooped in the tub. No little bit of poo, I'm talking ginormous big poo which promptly swirls to the drain clogging the tub. I was very upset obliviously. I proceed to scoop poo out of the drain (gagging the whole time), holler for Freddie, scoop some more poo, rinse of Landon, and get him out the tub. Freddie brings me a diaper for Landon and once it is on he takes off to the living room. Meanwhile I am still cleaning the tub. Kameron comes back and starts up talking, talking, talking. "Why did he poop in the tub?!" "That is gross!" "I can't believe he pooped in the tub" 

I ask her to leave. She continues to talk. "Mama...I need a dress." "Mama can you dry my barbies hair?" "Mama I need a snack"

I lost it. My nerves were shot. I yelled, yeah I yelled (honestly it happens more than I like to admit). "KAMERON....GO TO THE LIVING ROOM AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" 

She takes off. This is where she tells Freddie that I hate her. He reassured her that I don't hate her, but that I was frustrated because Landon pooped in the tub. I didn't find out about her statement until after she had already fallen asleep. I will be doing some serious apologizing tomorrow (well now today in about 6-7 hours since it is 2am).

I never claim to be a perfect mama. I know I am far from it. But days like today make me realize how much I have to grow, how much I have to change, and make me so scared that I'm screwing this whole thing up. What if I fail? What if she grows up to hate me because she thinks I hate her? What if we never have a good relationship? How do I parent this sassy, back talking, opinionated, sensitive, I do it myself little girl?! I am so lost, and my heart hurts so much.

sweet morning

Early in the morning, as the sun slowly begins to rise and the darkness of the night starts to fade, I hear your cries. They waken me from my slumber and I stumble out of bed. Down the hall I shuffle my feet, my eyes still heavy with sleep. As I reach your bed, your cry a little more and reach for me. I lean over and your arms encircle my neck. You hold on tight and lay your head on my shoulder and slowly rub the back of my arm as I rub your back.

I shuffle down the hallway again to my bed. You know what comes next as you begin to try to pull my shirt up in your anticipation of nursing. As you latch on you sigh, such a sweet little sigh as you drift off back to sleep. As you doze and nurse, you rub my shirt, my face, your hair. Despite my tiredness I can't help but watch you. I take in your beautiful lashes. I take in your sweet face. I take in your tender touches and tugs at my breast. Your smell is so sweet. A smell I know I will miss as you grow older.

I can tell when you begin to fall into a deep sleep; you stop caressing me and your eyes flutter. You sigh a big, deep sigh and throw your arm over your eyes. I chuckle at your dramatics and snuggle you in closer. As your breath tickles my cheek, and your body warms mine; we drift off together. A mother and son, as close as can be, enjoying the most beautiful morning side by side.