Being real

When I was struggling for 2 years to conceive my daughter all I ever thought about was the fact that I wanted a baby. That was all I wanted. I never thought about how hard it is to actually be a mother. Then my daughter was born, and I quickly realized how hard this new journey was going to be. During one night of her colic cries, waking me up every 30-45 minutes I clearly remember thinking "what have I done?!" Not long after Kameron was born postpartum depression began to set in. I was angry, I was sad, I would sob for no reason. My emotions were all over the place. Here was this beautiful gift in my arms; one I had longed to have for years, but I couldn't enjoy her. After battling with myself, I finally started medication to help with the PPD. I became a new person. I only used the medication for 6 months, but it really helped me make the adjustment to being a mother.

Fast forward 2 years and me going through my miscarriage. I dealt with the enormous pain of it, the pain that felt like it shattered my heart. I put on a good face, but inside I felt like I was dying. I couldn't feel any joy in my life. I quickly began to procrastinate in school because I no longer had any motivation. Only this time I didn't turn to medication to help me with my pain and depression. I struggled each and every day. I pushed through as best as I could and sometimes cried myself to sleep. I battled and battled to survive; to recover from my miscarriage. Now I wish that I would have started some medication to make that battle easier.

5 months after my miscarriage I was pregnant again. Oh I was so happy and terrified. Each episode of spotting caused me to panic, to sob like my heart was breaking because I was so scared of losing my baby again. Finally after 24 weeks the spotting stopped, not too long after that the early labor started followed by the pain in my incision scar from my previous c-section. Each day I lived in fear that I would lose Landon. Finally the doctors listened to me and the signs my body was giving them, and took Landon at 37 weeks instead of 39 weeks. Sometimes a mother's intuition is right. My doctor found that my uterus was really thin in the spot where I kept having pain and that it could have possible ruptured. If it had ruptured me AND Landon could have died. I was so glad that I didn't ignore what my body was trying to tell me and that my doctor listened.

I thought that if I could just get Landon here that everything would be okay. I would be able to see that he was okay and that this fear would leave me. For 2 weeks it seemed that it would be going that way. He was happy, he slept good and I was handling everything great. Cue the reflux, the cries of pain, the choking spells, the times my son stopped breathing causing me to shake in fear, the blood in his diaper, the constant back and forth to the doctor for answers. Cue anxiety, anger, frustration, sadness, depression. We finally have answers, but I was still battling against PPD once again. I have EVERYTHING I ever wanted in my life. I have a wonderful, supportive husband and TWO beautiful children. The girl who thought she would never have kids now is a mother of two!! Some days I can't believe this is my life and how blessed I am. But despite having these blessings, I still would find myself completely depressed, anxious and angry. I was starting to become a mom that I don't want to be. The mom who yells at her 3 year old, the mom who doesn't have patience, the mom who has no desire to do anything, the one who didn't take the time for herself when she really needed it. I did not want to take medication this time. I wanted to fight it. I didn't want to have to rely on something to get me through this time. Then I remembered....I will be starting back to school on July 2nd. If I am stressed out now and not being the mom I want to be, then how in the world am I going to do this when I start school. Cue panic attack. I finally bit the bullet and called my doctor. I started my medicine yesterday. I hate saying that I need help, but I don't want to be ashamed. I am trying to take care of myself so that I can better take care of my children. My children are my world and the most important thing to me, I want them to have the best mom possible. And if in order to be the mom I need/want to be I have to take medication, then so be it.

When I was trying to get pregnant, I never thought past the thought that I wanted a baby. I never thought about the work it takes to be a mom and what that can do to you emotionally, psychically and mentally. I never thought that once I had my long awaited baby in my arms that I would experience PPD, but I did. I am proof that you can have all your dreams come true but still battle depression. I am proof that that sometimes you have to have to ask for help no matter how much it hurts. And I am proof that there should be no shame in admitting that you can't handle something, and no shame in saying I need help.