The truth

Ever since I became a mom I was always hesitant to speak the truth about certain things. The first thing I was hesitant about was my battle with PPD, but I finally took the step and talked about it. My next thing that I'm hesitant to talk about is the journey Landon and I have been on to get him on a schedule and to get him sleeping better. I'm hesitant to talk about it and be honest because I don't want to be judged. But here it is.....I actually did a version of CIO. *gasp* I know.....the horrors!!! But before you judge me, let me explain and give you some history.

With Kameon I attempted the CIO method but I couldn't do it. Hearing her cry was awful. So I dealt with getting up every 2 hours, sometimes took a nap when she did, and miracously she started sleeping through the night on her own at 17 months old. Yeah.....17 months old. Those were some long months. Yes I know losing sleep is part of being a parent, but it doesn't make it any easier.

When Landon was born my life as a mom changed. No longer could I just pick him up when he was crying like I did when Kameron was little. I now had two children that needed my attention. So there were times that Landon had to cry, times I couldn't soothe him. In the early days he slept good, so good that we had to wake him up to feed him, something we never had to do with Kameron! But then he started with his allergies, with his reflux, and his sleeping habits started regressing.

Fast forward to having a 10 month old that won't sleep. One who wakes up every 2 hours or sometimes every hour. One who was using me as a pacifier, and couldn't go to sleep unless I was nursing him. The result of having a baby not sleeping and a sleep deprived mama is a mama that I don't want to be. I was tired. Often times he wouldn't go to sleep until 11 or 12, then I would stay up doing school work because i wouldn't have time to do it during the day because he wanted me to constantly hold him. Often times it would be between 2-4 am before I would get to go to sleep, only to wake up every 1-2 hours after that, and then be up for the day around 8-8:30. To say I was exhausted is an understatement. Sadly, an exhausted mama made for a mean mama. I had to do something.

4 days ago I was trying to get both kids in bed, we had had a bad day where Landon was really fussy and had occupied most of my time. I thought I had him to sleep and laid him down only to have him sit up and start crying. Kameron was waiting on me to read her a book so she could go to bed, but I can't do that while holding a screaming child. So, I made the decision that he would have to cry. I knew he was safe, fed, warm, and had a clean diaper. He didn't really "need" anything, but Kameron needed me. She needed some quality mama time. So I read to her and didn't rush it so that I could get Landon. I took my time and tried to enjoy our time together. When I finished reading to her he was still crying. Despite my sadness at him crying, I felt like this was the right decision for both of us. And you know what, he went to sleep, and he slept 7 hours straight. The next day he was much happier. He laughed and played, he only came to me to nurse when he was hungry instead of using me as a pacifier. The second night he only cried a little before he went to sleep and the slept 9 hours straight. Yesterday he didn't even cry 2 mins before he went to sleep and slept 7 hours. Tonight he once again put himself to sleep without having to use me as a pacifier.

I know CIO is controversial nowadays with many people, but it worked for me. And the result of CIO has not been a sad, withdrawn baby; but a happy baby who can play by himself again. And he has a much happier mama who can take joy in being a mother again. The decision I made was hard, but it is a decision that I am proud of and happy that I made. My son's happiness is my ultimate goal as a mom, and if CIO had proven to make him unhappy than I wouldn't have continued with it. But it made him much happier and I am so thankful for that.