My sweet baby that I won’t get to meet, my sweet baby that I won’t get to hold, my sweet baby that I won’t get to kiss. I wish things were different. I wish you were still growing inside of me, but this time I wish that you were healthy. My baby bump is officially gone, but I still find myself thinking I’m pregnant. I still find myself placing my hands on my stomach with thoughts of you, but you aren’t here anymore. You are gone. Friends have told me that you are in heaven waiting on me; I’m not sure what to believe. Are you there? Are you watching me cry my tears for you? Are you a boy or a girl? People have told me to give you a name, but how do I name you when I don’t know if you are a boy or a girl? I think I will just call you my “baby”. Because despite the fact that you never lived past the age of 6 weeks and 2 days in utero; you were still my baby and will always be. I love you even though you aren’t here.
I really wish that I could still look forward to your due date. Now I dread it, I dread the date of September 28th. I dread seeing all the people on Facebook who are pregnant and happy. I dread seeing their countdowns to their big ultrasounds and the day they will meet their baby. I am truly happy for them because I know how wonderful motherhood is, but it still hurts my heart. I wasn't even out of my first trimester, but I still had so many plans for you. They continue to make their plans while all my plans have ended. Now all I have is grief. Grief that I think I shouldn't have. I feel like I should be over this already even though it hasn't even been a week. Why should I be so sad; so consumed with this pain and depression? I have a great life, a beautiful daughter and a wonderful husband, but I still hurt. I feel like I suffer, suffer in silence. My body is now empty, empty of you. I have this big hole in my heart and a hole where you were resting in my body. I miss dreaming of you, dreaming of feeling you move the first time, dreaming of meeting you, dreaming of watching you with your sister. I just miss you……………..
I pray that God gives you peace and maybe some sign of how your baby has been made whole in heaven, like He did us.
ReplyDeleteAll these feelings are normal and by no means should you feel like it should be over yet. Take this time. Feel what you feel and don't be ashamed of it!!
(This is my last comment...for now.) :-)