struggling and failing

this will probably be a jumbled mess. I will probably misspell things and not use proper grammar. oh well.............................

I'm supposed to be writing a paper, it is due in less than 24 hours, I am less than halfway through it. I am struggling, I can't formulate a thought, I can't comprehend what I am reading in order to write what I need to write.

All I can think about is the fact that my babies are growing up so fast, I can't believe time has rushed by so fast. It makes me so sad. My little Kameron with no hair is now so big and I have to blow dry her hair every night. My little itty bitty Landon who would snuggle all day is now a very active almost 5 month old. And all I can think about is how I am failing as a mom. I fail every day. I fail so many times in a day. I get frustrated, I lose my temper, I'm glued to the computer doing school work missing out on so much. Kameron watches TV while I work on my school work, she asks me to come play and I have to tell her that mommy can't, she is doing school work. I have to tell her no so many times. I want to just sit down and snuggle with Landon. I want to hold him and absorb him in this amazing baby stage. I want to stare into his eyes, instead I stare at the computer.

I know what I am doing is important, one day I will be happy I went back to college but right now I hate it. I will never get these days back, I can't go back to that moment when Kameron asked me to play and say "yes, I will". I can't get back those sweet moments with Landon. I can't change the fact that most days he spends his time in his swing or playing on the floor instead of in my arms.

My heart is breaking right now and my eyes are swollen with tears. I have nothing but frustration and no words to type on my paper................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

New Blog

So as to not bog down this blog with my dairy/soy free recipes I have started up a new one. If you want to still see my yummy recipes how about come follow along. :-)

LactoSoy Free Living

Delaying Solids

Ever since I became a mom I have been pretty much the one to go completely by the book. If the pediatrician told me to do it, then I was going to do it. I wasn't one to question him because he is after all an expert, right? So, Kameron turned 4 months old, we started cereal and slowly worked our way to solids. She never had any problems.

Ever since Landon was born I have had to do things completely different. We have not gone by the book. A lot of what we did was trial and error with his feeding. But overall he has been completely breastfed except for 3 days where we were trying to give him "gut rest" and get my milk allergy free. For a while I contemplated delaying solids with him. Truth be told, his allergies really make me nervous and I don't want to create any more problems for him than he already has. At his 4 month appointment his pediatrican suggested starting cereal and slowly working our way to solids by 6 months. I figured I would give it a shot. So we tried cereal twice, it just didn't feel right. The first time went okay but Landon still did the tongue thrust really bad when eating. The second time he barely got any in because of his tongue thrust. He would also gag and shudder when he was eating it. I took Landon to see his doctor again and asked about delaying solids. He was complete agreeable to the idea.

So I began to do some more research into the idea of delaying solids. The more research I did the better I felt about my decision in this matter. Newer research is indicating that delaying solids can actually help in the prevention of food allergies. My prayer is that Landon will outgrow his milk and soy allergies. I hope that delaying his solids and giving his intestinal system time to develop will help him overcome his allergies. It may work, it may not, but at least I will be trying.

One thing I do know is that Landon is perfectly happy being exclusively breast fed. And is apparently not lacking in nutrition considering he weighs over 17 pounds now!! Yes in 4 1/2 months he has put on 10 pounds. That is an average of 2 1/2 pounds of weight gain in a month!! The boy is a chunker!

So for now we will continue down our path of breastfeeding and will re-evaluate solids at 6 months old. Between now and then I need to look into making my own baby food. Yeah, I'm going to be one of those moms who makes their own baby food. It just makes sense, I know what is going into it and it will be cheaper in the long run! :-)

*Edit: Here are just a few links that I used to educate myself. Feel free to read the articles. :-)

http://voices.yahoo.com/why-delay-solids-until-baby-6-months-old-179752.html?cat=25

http://kellymom.com/nutrition/starting-solids/delay-solids/

http://www.analyticalarmadillo.co.uk/2011/02/starting-solids-can-babies-be-ready.html

Reality

I think the reality that Landon is my last baby is starting to set in. I find myself staring at him, trying to remember every little detail about him as a baby. I never want to forget his smile, his giggle, the way he stares at me while he eats. It makes me sad to think that he is the last baby I will nurse, the last baby I will see reach milestones, the last baby that I will rock to sleep. I wish I could bottle up the way he smells, I want to be able to smell that sweet baby smell forever.

Do I want more children? Yes, yes I do, but unless a miracle happens we will not be having any more children. This was a hard decision for me to make. I struggled for so long to get pregnant the first time. And to think of not "trying" to have more kids seems so odd to me after talking about having a baby for so long.

Our decision was not made lightly. My husband and I both want more children. So why wouldn't we? It's complicated. Not everyone knows the journey we traveled to have children. Kameron was a long awaited baby. 2 years of trying, 5 rounds of clomid, progesterone, spotting, no heartbeat, 36 hour labor, c-section. After that long journey and my recovery from my delivery I didn't think that I would have any more children. But as she grew the baby bug hit again. So we tried again. 2 months later we were pregnant only to miscarry 10 weeks later. That was hard. Recovering emotionally enough to try again was even harder. 5 months later we were pregnant again. It was a long 9 months....pain, beautiful heartbeat, spotting, bleeding, 10 cm cyst on my ovary, more pain, more bleeding, the bleeding and cyst finally go away, ultrasound x 10, more pain, early labor, 3 trips to the hospital, shots to stop contractions, baby born early at 37 weeks, thin uterus that could have resulted in a uterine rupture.

When my doctor got to my uterus it was really thin in one spot along my c-section scar. After she completed my surgery she came to stand by my head and talked to me. She said "I am glad we took him early. We did find that where you were hurting, your uterus was really thin. If we had waited it would have probably resulted in your uterus rupturing" In recovery I told Freddie what my doctor had found. He didn't really understand. Once I was in my room I told him "you do realize that if my uterus had ruptured that Landon would have probably died and I might have as well?" He had no clue that we had been so close to losing our miracle. Uterine rupture is scary. Look it up.

Fast forward a couple of months and I really want to have more children one day. I talked with my doctor about it. Could I have more children? She said that I could but I would be under constant supervision. I would receive steroid shots at 32 weeks to mature the lungs, amniocentesis at 36 weeks to check for lung maturity, if they were mature then they would deliver at 36 weeks, if not definite delivery at 37 weeks. An early baby means possibly time spent in the NICU or Special Care Nursery. We were lucky that Landon was so strong and did not require any special help. Would we be so lucky next time?

After much discussion we decided that we can't take that chance again. I don't think that I could emotionally handle being pregnant again with the fears of miscarriage, the fear of possible rupture and the fear of an early delivery. I can't take the risk of having another baby and having a rupture. If I were to have a rupture that resulted in losing my life or the baby's life, that would be devastating. My children could possibly not have a mother or I could possibly be left trying to mourn the death of my child. I'm not sure that I could survive that.

So, we have decided that we are going to count our blessings. We are BLESSED to have 2 healthy children. We are BLESSED that Landon and I survived his pregnancy/delivery. We are a BLESSED family. I really could not ask for more. The once childless woman is now a mother of two beautiful, healthy children! And I am happy, so incredibly happy.

Let it Rain

I am one of those people who loves worship music. I love to worship God in my house, in my car, etc. Tonight I cranked up the Jesus Culture channel on my Pandora Radio. This song came on and filled me up with so much love and joy in the Lord. There were times that I turned away from God but He was always there waiting for me to turn back to Him. He is always there for me when I need Him and even when I don't/want Him to be. My soul longs for Him, I long to be better. Lord let your presence rain on me and fill me up. 

In the Lord there is freedom; freedom from the world, freedom from your pain, freedom from your depression, freedom from your stress, freedom from your shame, freedom from your failures. In Him all things are whole. In Him there is joy.

I hope you enjoy the video as much as I did and that you will let the Lord touch your soul where you are right now.

Blessed

Today I decided to make a collage of photos of Landon from 1 month to 4 months just to see how much he has changed. As I arranged the photos, tears just streamed down my face. The tears fell and fell and sobs shook my shoulders. I am beyond blessed to have this amazing child in my life. There were days I didn't think I would get to meet him, but here he is. And he has filled me with love and joy again. When you have a miscarriage your heart breaks. My heart broke and it took a long time to heal. My pregnancy with Landon was filled with many scares that would break me down even more. But as soon as I met my son, as soon as I held him and touched the soft hair on his shoulder, I was whole. Whole like I haven't been a long time. He has completely healed my heart. He has taken that spot that was empty and filled it to overflowing. I live for his smiles, his coos, his laughs. For some reason God decided to bless me with this beautiful child, He allowed this beautiful child to heal me completely. All I can do is thank Him as my tears continue to pour down my face and soak my shirt. Thank you Lord for this amazing, beautiful, joyful baby. Thank you for protecting both of us in what could have been a very dangerous situation. Thank you for making him strong and healthy despite being early. Thank you for making all my dreams come true.

4 month stats

Yesterday I took Landon for his 4 month check up. It was by far the worst experience at the doctor. Not because of the doctor but because Landon just doesn't handle shots very well. Kameron would cry and then as soon as you picked her up she was fine. Landon just screams and screams while he is getting his shots. Then you pick him up and he still screams. He was so upset that I didn't even dress him before we left. Yeah....I put him in the carseat in just his diaper! lol. It breaks my heart to see him cry so. :-( But other than his reaction to his shots, he had a great visit and is doing great. Here are his stats:

Weight:

16 pounds 10 ounces! He is in the 74^th percentile for weight.

Length:

25 ½ inches long! He grew and inch and half in one month! That puts him in the 65^th percentile for length.

Hair/Eyes:

Still just a fuzzy head. I can’t tell what color his hair is but most of his new hair seems to be a blonde color and in some pictures his hair has a reddish hue.

His eyes are still iffy. They look green the majority of the time and his pediatrician said they have a green hue, but they can still change up until he is one year old.

Clothing Size:

Mainly 3-6 months but also some 9 months

Diapers:

Size 3. We use Pamper’s Baby Dry at night so I don’t have to change his diaper during the night and then I use the Target brand during the day.

Sleeping:

Eh. Not great but better than his sister slept at this age. He usually goes to sleep around 9:30/10 sleeps till 2:30, eats then sleeps till 6:30, eats then sleeps till 10ish. Overall his sleep is not too bad.

Eating:

He is still exclusively breastfeeding. He normally eats every 2-3 hours during the day. We started cereal yesterday and he loved it!!! I couldn’t get the spoon to his mouth quick enough and then he was sucking it down.

New Developments:

Grabbing his toys, he has rolled over twice, laughs all the time, he has found his hands so they are always in his mouth, he has better control of his hands so he has figured how to hold onto my hand when he is eating (so sweet).

Favorite Things:

Eating!! And his butterfly toy.

nom, nom, cereal!