Reality

I think the reality that Landon is my last baby is starting to set in. I find myself staring at him, trying to remember every little detail about him as a baby. I never want to forget his smile, his giggle, the way he stares at me while he eats. It makes me sad to think that he is the last baby I will nurse, the last baby I will see reach milestones, the last baby that I will rock to sleep. I wish I could bottle up the way he smells, I want to be able to smell that sweet baby smell forever.

Do I want more children? Yes, yes I do, but unless a miracle happens we will not be having any more children. This was a hard decision for me to make. I struggled for so long to get pregnant the first time. And to think of not "trying" to have more kids seems so odd to me after talking about having a baby for so long.

Our decision was not made lightly. My husband and I both want more children. So why wouldn't we? It's complicated. Not everyone knows the journey we traveled to have children. Kameron was a long awaited baby. 2 years of trying, 5 rounds of clomid, progesterone, spotting, no heartbeat, 36 hour labor, c-section. After that long journey and my recovery from my delivery I didn't think that I would have any more children. But as she grew the baby bug hit again. So we tried again. 2 months later we were pregnant only to miscarry 10 weeks later. That was hard. Recovering emotionally enough to try again was even harder. 5 months later we were pregnant again. It was a long 9 months....pain, beautiful heartbeat, spotting, bleeding, 10 cm cyst on my ovary, more pain, more bleeding, the bleeding and cyst finally go away, ultrasound x 10, more pain, early labor, 3 trips to the hospital, shots to stop contractions, baby born early at 37 weeks, thin uterus that could have resulted in a uterine rupture.

When my doctor got to my uterus it was really thin in one spot along my c-section scar. After she completed my surgery she came to stand by my head and talked to me. She said "I am glad we took him early. We did find that where you were hurting, your uterus was really thin. If we had waited it would have probably resulted in your uterus rupturing" In recovery I told Freddie what my doctor had found. He didn't really understand. Once I was in my room I told him "you do realize that if my uterus had ruptured that Landon would have probably died and I might have as well?" He had no clue that we had been so close to losing our miracle. Uterine rupture is scary. Look it up.

Fast forward a couple of months and I really want to have more children one day. I talked with my doctor about it. Could I have more children? She said that I could but I would be under constant supervision. I would receive steroid shots at 32 weeks to mature the lungs, amniocentesis at 36 weeks to check for lung maturity, if they were mature then they would deliver at 36 weeks, if not definite delivery at 37 weeks. An early baby means possibly time spent in the NICU or Special Care Nursery. We were lucky that Landon was so strong and did not require any special help. Would we be so lucky next time?

After much discussion we decided that we can't take that chance again. I don't think that I could emotionally handle being pregnant again with the fears of miscarriage, the fear of possible rupture and the fear of an early delivery. I can't take the risk of having another baby and having a rupture. If I were to have a rupture that resulted in losing my life or the baby's life, that would be devastating. My children could possibly not have a mother or I could possibly be left trying to mourn the death of my child. I'm not sure that I could survive that.

So, we have decided that we are going to count our blessings. We are BLESSED to have 2 healthy children. We are BLESSED that Landon and I survived his pregnancy/delivery. We are a BLESSED family. I really could not ask for more. The once childless woman is now a mother of two beautiful, healthy children! And I am happy, so incredibly happy.