this will probably be a jumbled mess. I will probably misspell things and not use proper grammar. oh well.............................
I'm supposed to be writing a paper, it is due in less than 24 hours, I am less than halfway through it. I am struggling, I can't formulate a thought, I can't comprehend what I am reading in order to write what I need to write.
All I can think about is the fact that my babies are growing up so fast, I can't believe time has rushed by so fast. It makes me so sad. My little Kameron with no hair is now so big and I have to blow dry her hair every night. My little itty bitty Landon who would snuggle all day is now a very active almost 5 month old. And all I can think about is how I am failing as a mom. I fail every day. I fail so many times in a day. I get frustrated, I lose my temper, I'm glued to the computer doing school work missing out on so much. Kameron watches TV while I work on my school work, she asks me to come play and I have to tell her that mommy can't, she is doing school work. I have to tell her no so many times. I want to just sit down and snuggle with Landon. I want to hold him and absorb him in this amazing baby stage. I want to stare into his eyes, instead I stare at the computer.
I know what I am doing is important, one day I will be happy I went back to college but right now I hate it. I will never get these days back, I can't go back to that moment when Kameron asked me to play and say "yes, I will". I can't get back those sweet moments with Landon. I can't change the fact that most days he spends his time in his swing or playing on the floor instead of in my arms.
My heart is breaking right now and my eyes are swollen with tears. I have nothing but frustration and no words to type on my paper................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Oh Rian!
ReplyDeleteChin up mama! You are not failing as a mother at all! You are raising two beautiful healthy flourishing children <3 the frustration and other emotions are just part of being a mom especially with so much on your plate. You will feel so proud when your schooling is finished, and your children will always love you and appreciate everything you are doing to ensure they get the best life possible.
I hope your paper gets finished and you get some snuggles in with those beautiful children of yours <3
I agree with V above!! You are far from failing your babes! You are a wonderful mama and that is more than evident from your beautiful words and the love you express in your writing and photos. Don't be too hard on yourself. I hope you finished your paper and are relaxing tonight!!
ReplyDeleteAlways remember how blessed they are to have you!
Xoxox
Maria
Thank you so much, ladies! I'm done with school work until Monday, so I am super happy to be able to snuggle with my sweeties this weekend. Thank you for encouraging me!
ReplyDelete